Into the New Year

We can journey down the same path, but the experience will not be the same. We can come back in, but not through the same door. We can go back, though not as we were before. Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear and I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let it take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before. It seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal. I kept going back to give them the opportunity to apologize. At 48, I realize they won't and now I can move on. As the book comes about, lives will shift...welcome to my world.

"We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can't open your heart and not have some hurt because you're in a human experience..." ~Mary Morrissey

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~Lao Tzu

Cut off a friendship that I can't bear to continue - too wrought with emotional pain for me, and pain has no place where trust is present, at least not in my book. Was easier than I thought, but gonna be tough. I'll just view this as something to get past...like I did when I quit smoking. The pain will pass in time and I'll be healthier. Still gonna miss him.

Update 12/18/2009 : Talked with him and decided we still wanted to maintain a friendship, but I can't. The shallowness that is present is so nauseating that I don't know what the hell I was thinking - men can't be friends with women. The pain is completely gone now and I can't believe I allowed myself to become so distraught over the potential loss of it - what a waste of my time!

Heartstrings

Beautiful lyrics by Bette Midler...Eric told me that this song "The Rose" reminded him of me...

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

In retrospect and hindsight (which is always 20/20), I'm thankful that others were able to say what should have been said. Those too close oftentimes don't see...I was too close and did not see. Took me some time after backing away...with my tail between my legs in rejection. My vision is much clearer on several levels. However, still finding it difficult to deal with one situation. The hurt was more profound than it should have been...in fact, there should have been no hurt involved given the circumstance from the very beginning. What the mind says, often the heart does not feel; sort of an emotional dissonance rather than a cognitive one. At least that's what I'm telling myself to get through this. Much in keeping with my values and beliefs however, I'm able to understand that the path has been cleared for a purpose...a person...who has been persistent and devoted from the very start. A clear and true purpose of love and devotion. Enduring what I have before him when it comes to matters of the heart. A man in love...with me and now me, in love with him. Do I see or feel this waning even at the prospect of months in front of us before we're together again? No. We both feel and see a strengthening in the bond.
Had a dream last night with my step mother in it. I asked her if we could keep in contact...I woke before she answered. I closed my eyes to force myself back to sleep and dreamstate...only to feel a great sense of loss at the failed attempt.

The anticipation is gone and the sorrow has turned to renewed promise. Playing it close to the hip and safe is always a good plan. Have decided to seek assistance with my issues of boundaries. There is a friendship I would like to continue, but don't see that as a possibility unless I do something different. Healthy relationships are the key and I never had the tools to accomplish that before now. I've always had two different selves - a public one and a private one. The public one has allowed me to function at work, in college, and with friends. The private one wore a mask to deal with the non-nurturing dysfunctional family in which I was born and raised. Hard truth, but real.

My heart is aching in two directions - one in sorrow, the other in anticipation. It hurts to know that you're never gonna be #1. Hurts like hell. Feels like walking along the road and the wind picks up, blowing hard against your back and knowing that when you turn around, it's gonna be blowing full gale in your face to get back home - DAMMIT!

My heart is aching in two directions - one in sorrow, the other in anticipation. DAMMIT!

Had a really bizarre dream last night. In my old house trying to merge my current furniture with the "old" furniture from my childhood, but not being able to make it work. The old things were comfortable, but not a good fit. The new needs broken in, but the fit is good. And one of my uncles moving in with my dad was key too, though my dad did mention that he was considering it when I talked to him last week. After this past week, quite a dream sequence that sorts through my feelings fairly accurately and parallels the actions I appear to be taking.

My friend came out from Ohio. We reminisced and laughed and compared notes and feelings. All in all, I can't bring myself to open myself to another relationship. It opens me up to fragile feelings and memories of vulnerability that I don't want to experience again. Now the difficult task of breaking the news because he wants something so much more...

Exerpt from my book

Solemn promises made to the self
thoughtlessly broken
as passion is felt
I give, I give, I care.
Silent sleep, watching you there
alone again with you
I dare, I fear, I hope.
Awakening slow, craving your touch
calmly turn
to feel as much
I am, I am, alone.
Solemn promises made to the self
courageously kept
though painfully felt
I dream, I dream, of you.

A Mother's Advice, but not from my mother: "Live a quiet life and be kind to all, especially the old, and listen to the advice of the old. People will respect you if you do this and be kind to you. Do not run after a boy. If a young man wants to marry you, let him come here to see you and come here to live with you. This is the reason I am always telling you to be industrious and how to live, so when you have a home you will be industrious and do right to the people around you." Nodinens (Chippewa), 1929.
Kinda disappointed about my job, mostly because it won't pay my bills, so have to get a day job too. Perfect!

It's Raining, It's Pouring...

Good news and not so good news...I did get a job with the state. However, it's "intermittent, on-call," though I am approved for overtime and can volunteer for as many days as I want. The pay is not what I was making, but it's a decent wage. This gets my foot in the door for regular employment and benefits when an opening comes up. Won't really know the details until I start on Nov 2.
More good news - very unexpected, though almost not. A classmate has been in love with me for over 30 years and recently told me. My first reaction was disbelief (this just doesn't happen to me) and then my heart melted. We have talked, IMd, and emailed almost everyday since then. He is coming out for a visit next month, and we'll go from there. And always with good news, comes not so good news. I can't bring myself to think or write about it here, at this time because I've been there and know the pain that this situation is causing for another. Having said that, I find myself not caring, or at least not wanting to deal with it on that level.
And then, that brings me to another couple of situations. I am conflicted, though know the situations must be dealt with. Why must hearts hurt?

Nothing a like a memory to jerk you back to reality.

http://moodymonday.org/

Peaceful, confident, and calm.

vigilance

http://www.cfcl.com/vlb/Memes/wordbeads.shtml#_jump
The abbe loomed over the moonlit meadow, perched high in the orifice of a hanging valley. As the night progressed, the yelp of coyotes echoed off the canyon walls like the rebound of a rubber ball in an enclosed room. I kept myself busy in preparation for my journey lest I be consumed by the distractions surrounding me.

http://samanthasaturday9.blogspot.com/
1. When you were young, what did you want to be when you grew up? A nurse, but then changed to doctor...ended up a social worker.
2. Did you ever pursue that career? Yes, got my master's degree.
3. If you are not in that field, what changed? I'm in my chosen field.
4. What is your current job? Social worker for abused and neglected children.
5. What's the best part of what you do? Helping children.
6. Do you have plans to do something else down the road? Not at this time. Spent too much money and time to change now.
7. How did you get your present job? If you are a stay at home mom, how long did you need to plan that move? Applied for it just like everyone else. Having the master's degree helps.
8. Did your parents influence your choices of jobs over the years? Nope. My father told me that my bachelor's degree and a dime would get me a cup of coffee. When I got my Master's degree, he asked me if I realized what kind of people I'd be working with. My mother has been absent since birth, physically since I was 10.
9. What advice would you give your children on careers? Do something that you're passionate about and can support your family.

dejavu

Bizarre dream last night. I received a phone call to babysit for a family I used to babysit for in high school. I accepted and was supposed to be at their house at 7 or 7:30. I began walking and was panicking because I couldn't remember which time and was afraid of being late. So I began to run and remembered that I can't run fast in my dream. I told myself I wasn't dreaming and looked down at my feet. I saw I had running shoes and began to run. However, I didn't have socks on and my feet were coming out of the shoes and I couldn't get a good foot hold to run. I rounded the corner of the street I used to live on in the neighborhood where I went to high school. I saw a group of people loading up their SUVs and trucks with camping gear. I walked up and said I was looking for someone who I was supposed to babysit for. They told me they never heard of them. I figured I was dreaming and that the phone call to babysit wasn't real. I walked down the street and found a little grocery on the corner. I stopped in and the man told me that he fired his staff. I offered to take a part-time job to help out. He looked me up and down and said "I'll have you behind the chocolate counter selling chocolates." I accepted and reminded him I could only work part-time because I worked at night. I remember asking him about a job for my son, who I imagined was still 17 and in high school. He told me he would call. An old woman came in and looked sad. Another adult mail told my soon to be boss that he needed to tell his mother and he couldn't bear to tell her, though I have no idea what they had to tell her. Did I mention the family is of Middle Eastern descent? Bizarre!

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

1. So are we going to figure out what's going on?

2. Uncertainity (not a misspelling) is what's up ahead.

3. I love to get reactions.

4. Leave me love of some sort.

5. I walk a narrow line, teetering on the brink at times, knowing I can fall either side.

6. Love is the true elixir of life!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to having an adult beverage with an adult, tomorrow my plans include possibly more of the same and Sunday, I want to clear my head!

What a weekend!

Friday...went to lunch with a friend. Got a phone call from another friend on his way to Idaho for a business meeting. Talked to another friend from Ohio.

Saturday...made breakfast for a friend when he came back from Idaho, then we went shooting for the day, had a nice steak dinner (prepared by Moi), and watched a movie.

Sunday...talked to three friends while trying to get things together to head to BC for Thanksgiving - didn't get out till noon. Got to my son's then decided to drive 3 hours (actually took 4) north to get my DIL's grandma so she could spend Thanksgiving with us. Had my bank card frozen because my bank thought an unautorized person was using my card...had to use cash (thank goodness I had some on me). Sat up till 3:30 a.m. chatting with g'ma Rose and my DIL and laughing...had a great time!

Monday...had a scrumptious Thanksgiving dinner...turkey, ham, veggies, potatoes, pie, and great company!

Tuesday...got up with grandsons and got them ready for school while DIL drove her g'ma back home to Little Fort (took her 8 1/2 hours to get back home, then she had to go straight in to work). Had lunch with one grandson at his preschool and got to say goodbye to both. Headed back home at 3:00 p.m. and didn't walk in the door till 6:30! What with road re-construction on Hwy 97 in BC and the hour long wait at the border, I was exhausted...but did manage to squeeze in a phone call from a friend in Ohio and see another friend here for dinner.

Also got an email that I start work on November 1 - yes, I'm back in the land of the working!

Let's go for a ride...

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/

And...here we go!

1. Sweet dreams are wished upon me, but seldom occur.

2. Plans are made especially for me.

3. Silliness permeates the mood until passion takes over.

4. I have no special plans for this Halloween.

5. Outstanding or not I enjoy the moment of perfect realization.

6. What I can't have is what I want right now!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to self-absorbtion, tomorrow my plans include self-gratifcation and Sunday, I want to visit with family in BC for long weekend (Thanksgiving)!

Had a nice lunch with a friend. The food was so-so...the fried rice was not like any I've ever had, but it was okay. Besides, the conversation with Marty was the focus anyway! Too windy to go shooting, so may do so tomorrow. I really enjoy meeting new people and making friends. Was concerned about that, but I've had great luck. Really looking forward to beginning work again and meeting even more people.

caught in a time warp or space contiuum

This week is certainly turning out to be a bit odd. Seems that others' lives are running parallel to mine...and it makes me wonder.

I didn't get the job I applied for. However, my application has been forwarded to another section at the same agency for another open position. I remain hopeful!

http://moodymonday.org/

Hoping to be a leg up in the job department! Stay tuned...

And so what do you do when you find yourself falling in love with someone, but you're not sure that it's really love? And what do you do when that person isn't over someone else? He says his heart skips a beat when he sees her vehicle, or a vehicle that looks like hers, or someone who reminds him of her, or when he gets a phone call or text...

what he doesn't know is that it happens to me when I get a call from him and hear his voice and when I spend time with him.

I fear the worst...I feel the impending loss and heartache over this.

Dejavu

Went shooting today with Bob. What a great morning...shot his .45 and .22 rifle. Shot my .357. Hit gourd targets with his .22, and came within inches of the targets with the other two. I enjoy shooting and know where to go now, but Bob said that since I like it so much, he'll go shooting more often too. Having a time finding .38 spl ammo though. When I do find it, gonna stock up.
1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Does food count?
2. Where was your profile picture taken? In the back of a boat on the Nile River.
3. Can you play Guitar Hero? No, but I can probably hum a few bars.
4. Name someone who made you laugh today. What was it about? Bob...he told me dirty jokes.
5. How late did you stay up last night and why? Well after one because I was laughing about dirty jokes.
6. If you could move somewhere else where would you and why? I'm already here because I'm close to my son and his family.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? There's always fireworks when I'm kissed.
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? The ones who are here.
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? With benefits? I believe they can; it's the exes who seem to have a problem with it.
10. Do you like Dr. Pepper? Don't know, never met him/her.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard? A few days ago. Really hard as opposed to just sniveling? I never do anything half-assed.
12. Who took your profile picture? The guy in the back of the boat on the Nile River.
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? My grandsons.
14. Was yesterday better than today? It's what I aim for...today's not over yet, but I'm hopeful. Why? I pay attention and learn.
15. Can you live a day without TV? I've gone lots of days without TV and I'm still here.
16. Are you upset about anything now? Not at the moment.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Sometimes I do, other times not. If I perceive that it's a journey to find the real true one, then I'm okay. If I'm feeling lonely because I haven't found the real true one, then I wonder "why bother?"
18. Are you a bad influence? When it's called for.
19. Night out or night in? I'm a 'night in' kinda girl, but am willing to do a 'night out' if needed.
20. What items could you not go without during the day? Toilet paper, water, and phone.
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My dad (and that was back in 2007)
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? Don't do texting.
23. How do you feel about your life right now? I feel my life is where it's supposed to be at this moment.
24. Do you hate anyone? Why, yes I do.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? Dirty jokes.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? You bet!
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Nope, but I have been told I'm 'pretty."
28. What song is stuck in your head? Superstar by Sonic Youth.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2 a.m., whom do you want it to be? Not gonna tell, but the person knows who s/he is.
30. Do you (or did you) want to have grandkids before you’re 50? Considering that I'm not 50 yet and I have two grandsons (aged 3 and 7), I would say definitely!
31. Tell us your Saturday night. Dinner for a friend and lots of dirty jokes!
32. Do you think too much or too little? I think too much and usually about the wrong things!
33. Do you smile a lot? Probably too much and at the wrong time, and sometimes till I'm giddy!

up and at 'em!

http://samanthasaturday9.blogspot.com/
1. Has a relationship been effected by how one of you slept? With my ex...his snoring was so loud, I couldn't sleep, so would end up out on the couch, where I slept fitfully.
2. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Since I sleep alone, I sleep right smack in the middle of it!
3. Do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Start out on my side, wake up on my back.
4. Describe the bedding on your bed right now. Matching sheet set with ivory cotton blanket and floral comforter. How does it change with the seasons? I take the floral comforter off in warm weather. Are you particular about your pillows or linens? Must have cases on the pillows and the top sheet tucked in.
5. When sleeping with someone, do you hog the bed, steal covers, or snore? I was accused of hogging the bed, but never heard complaints of stealing covers or snoring.
6. What do you wear to bed? At a minimum, undies and t-shirt; otherwise, jammies. I've also fallen asleep with my clothes on (but not my shoes). If it varies, explain. The variance is dependent upon how tired I am.
7. No matter how much you love someone, would you rather alone? No, but even though I may be in love with someone, doesn't mean they are with me. Therefore, I am alone.
8. Tell us about a time when you awoke in bed, saw the person next to you and thought, "Oh, no..." Not gonna put that here, but I certainly did say "oh, no..."
9. Tell us about a time when you awoke thinking it was a different day than it was. That would be this past Thursday afternoon...I was so tired from the night before that I napped during the late afternoon and woke up wondering what the real time was and the day.

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/
1. I have a history of falling for the guy with the sweetest eyes and who is not all that available.
2. Why I'm not viewed as "the marrying type" is something I wish I knew.
3. I'm eating (or recently ate) food that is healthier for me.
4. Bob called me this evening to help him stay awake while he was on the road.
5. So that's it, that's the last straw...not gonna get serious with anyone again.
6. Settling is NOT better than nothing!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing, tomorrow my plans include laundry and preparing dinner for myself and a friend and Sunday, I want to work on cross stitch projects!

A new, new beginning...

Took in a family member (an 'adult,' mind you). Knew there was some potential risk involved. Explained the rules (90% - pick up after yourself; 10% no lying, no stealing, maintain personal hygiene and personal responsibility - which was explained in detail). Six weeks later, no improvement, attitude, unfettered sense of entitlement, and demand for unearned respect brought this chapter to a close. As if that wasn't enough, his immediate family, who didn't step up to the plate initially, turned on me like a pack of pirahnna. That's gratitude for ya!

http://thursdaythunks.blogspot.com/
1. What color is your mouthwash? It's included in my toothpaste (Listerene), which is sparkly green.
2. Do you remember your first phone number? I remember my first phone from 6th grade on. Have you called it recently? No, I'm afraid I'll pick it up in a past or future life.
3. BPD in OKC's question- Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what's in it? Yes I do, and I'm not telling what's in it.
4. When was the last time you used a pay phone? That would have been last month when Canadian border agents refused to allow me to take my son's clothing into Canada (they didn't find him in their immigration database, therefore, were not going to allow me to take clothing to him "because they weren't going to contribute to his comfort.") WTF???? So I had to go back into the US and call from a payphone there to let my son know I couldn't cross this time. Wish I had enough clout to get them transferred to the border shack in the Yukon.
How much did it cost to make the call? The call cost $1.75 (US dollars).
5. What was that noise?A tree falling in the alpine forest in the Yukon.
6. Stef H's question- how long is a woodpecker's pecker? Long enough to do the job.
7. How many comments did you receive on your last Thursday's Thunk? None, since this is my first post. Ask me next week.