Into the New Year

We can journey down the same path, but the experience will not be the same. We can come back in, but not through the same door. We can go back, though not as we were before. Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear and I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let it take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before. It seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal. I kept going back to give them the opportunity to apologize. At 48, I realize they won't and now I can move on. As the book comes about, lives will shift...welcome to my world.

"We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can't open your heart and not have some hurt because you're in a human experience..." ~Mary Morrissey

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~Lao Tzu

Cut off a friendship that I can't bear to continue - too wrought with emotional pain for me, and pain has no place where trust is present, at least not in my book. Was easier than I thought, but gonna be tough. I'll just view this as something to get past...like I did when I quit smoking. The pain will pass in time and I'll be healthier. Still gonna miss him.

Update 12/18/2009 : Talked with him and decided we still wanted to maintain a friendship, but I can't. The shallowness that is present is so nauseating that I don't know what the hell I was thinking - men can't be friends with women. The pain is completely gone now and I can't believe I allowed myself to become so distraught over the potential loss of it - what a waste of my time!

Heartstrings

Beautiful lyrics by Bette Midler...Eric told me that this song "The Rose" reminded him of me...

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose

In retrospect and hindsight (which is always 20/20), I'm thankful that others were able to say what should have been said. Those too close oftentimes don't see...I was too close and did not see. Took me some time after backing away...with my tail between my legs in rejection. My vision is much clearer on several levels. However, still finding it difficult to deal with one situation. The hurt was more profound than it should have been...in fact, there should have been no hurt involved given the circumstance from the very beginning. What the mind says, often the heart does not feel; sort of an emotional dissonance rather than a cognitive one. At least that's what I'm telling myself to get through this. Much in keeping with my values and beliefs however, I'm able to understand that the path has been cleared for a purpose...a person...who has been persistent and devoted from the very start. A clear and true purpose of love and devotion. Enduring what I have before him when it comes to matters of the heart. A man in love...with me and now me, in love with him. Do I see or feel this waning even at the prospect of months in front of us before we're together again? No. We both feel and see a strengthening in the bond.
Had a dream last night with my step mother in it. I asked her if we could keep in contact...I woke before she answered. I closed my eyes to force myself back to sleep and dreamstate...only to feel a great sense of loss at the failed attempt.

The anticipation is gone and the sorrow has turned to renewed promise. Playing it close to the hip and safe is always a good plan. Have decided to seek assistance with my issues of boundaries. There is a friendship I would like to continue, but don't see that as a possibility unless I do something different. Healthy relationships are the key and I never had the tools to accomplish that before now. I've always had two different selves - a public one and a private one. The public one has allowed me to function at work, in college, and with friends. The private one wore a mask to deal with the non-nurturing dysfunctional family in which I was born and raised. Hard truth, but real.