My heart is aching in two directions - one in sorrow, the other in anticipation. It hurts to know that you're never gonna be #1. Hurts like hell. Feels like walking along the road and the wind picks up, blowing hard against your back and knowing that when you turn around, it's gonna be blowing full gale in your face to get back home - DAMMIT!

My heart is aching in two directions - one in sorrow, the other in anticipation. DAMMIT!

Had a really bizarre dream last night. In my old house trying to merge my current furniture with the "old" furniture from my childhood, but not being able to make it work. The old things were comfortable, but not a good fit. The new needs broken in, but the fit is good. And one of my uncles moving in with my dad was key too, though my dad did mention that he was considering it when I talked to him last week. After this past week, quite a dream sequence that sorts through my feelings fairly accurately and parallels the actions I appear to be taking.

My friend came out from Ohio. We reminisced and laughed and compared notes and feelings. All in all, I can't bring myself to open myself to another relationship. It opens me up to fragile feelings and memories of vulnerability that I don't want to experience again. Now the difficult task of breaking the news because he wants something so much more...

Exerpt from my book

Solemn promises made to the self
thoughtlessly broken
as passion is felt
I give, I give, I care.
Silent sleep, watching you there
alone again with you
I dare, I fear, I hope.
Awakening slow, craving your touch
calmly turn
to feel as much
I am, I am, alone.
Solemn promises made to the self
courageously kept
though painfully felt
I dream, I dream, of you.

A Mother's Advice, but not from my mother: "Live a quiet life and be kind to all, especially the old, and listen to the advice of the old. People will respect you if you do this and be kind to you. Do not run after a boy. If a young man wants to marry you, let him come here to see you and come here to live with you. This is the reason I am always telling you to be industrious and how to live, so when you have a home you will be industrious and do right to the people around you." Nodinens (Chippewa), 1929.
Kinda disappointed about my job, mostly because it won't pay my bills, so have to get a day job too. Perfect!